It's Okay
by Gallifrey Byrned
Summary: He didn't know what he was doing. She tried to guide him. Skoulson. 1x20 Spoilers.


**A/N:** So, I thought it'd be nice to just post something and a one-shot popped into my head. I don't know. Maybe just a little something to fill in between?

Oh yes, of course. MAJOR spoilers for 1x20. So, don't proceed if you don't want to spoil yourself, please. It's a little off character but whatever it is, I hope it's okay.

**Disclaimer: *sobs in a corner***

* * *

It had been minutes after the "End of Transmission" text was displayed and yet he still sees the laptop projection of himself talking over and over in his head.

He stared at the blank, black screen. He remembered the projection. The man in the video looked like him. He sounded like him. He wears the same suit he used to have.

Slowly, Coulson pulled down the laptop screen, shutting it down as he leant back into his chair - sinking, falling into it, like as if he had been thrown off a cliff and no one is catching him, as if he's never landing, his mind was just floating in the emptiness of the room.

_No, I couldn't have done this,_ he mentally reassured himself.

"Coulson?" May took a step forward calmly yet nervously at the same time. Just a step, still giving him his own space, "Phil?"

"Yeah?" He responded blankly, his eyes focused on an empty space in their motel room.

"Are you okay?" May took another small step forward.

She would have apologised to him, not knowing why she would have to in the first place. Because she had kept him in the dark? Because she had made him feel like he had been played? Or is it just because she needs something to comfort him, having no means how to?

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Or so he said. But he was still dazed. Shocked. Surprised. Disappointed and... angry?

For once, May had no idea what to do. She had no tactic, no strategies to comfort him. Her heart sunk to see her partner as if he had been brainwashed, no one there to save him, to tell him to get back on his feet and tell him that every thing will be fine. Instead, May simply walked up to the man in suit and rested a hand on his shoulder, "It's been a rough day."

Coulson looked up to her with a blank face, wondering what was he supposed to do.

"Go and rest, Phil."

"Ah," That was all he managed, "Okay."

May assisted him up from his seat, holding on to his arm as she guided him towards the bed. She simply watched as he leant against the wall, his legs stretched out on the bed with his shoes still on, Coulson still in a daze, "We'll get back at this in the morning when Hill comes."

Coulson nodded.

May could not help but to quickly turn on her heels to leave him alone no matter how uneasy she felt about doing so, not able to bear how broken and crushed he seemed to be at that point of time.

When she walked out the door and closed it behind her, Coulson muttered a question to himself, "What have I done?"

* * *

Skye tossed and turned in her bed and the rustling of her blanket was making such a commotion in the silent room. Secretly, she was glad that neither Simmons or May was bothered by the noise or movement she made, being that she shared a bed with Simmons and May was sleeping on extra bed right beside her. Looking up at the plain ceiling, she sighed, "Almost died. Again. Are you kidding me?"

She shivered at the memory of her fall, holding on tight to Coulson's hand, desperate to be saved. But then suddenly, she let out a laugh at the flashback of how ridiculous Coulson and her looked like when they finally landed.

"Coulson." A smile formed across her face when she said it. The name seemed to give her a sense of security, protection. She never really got to thank him properly for saving her life once and to save her again that day.

All her life, she had been thrown into the hands of so many different people, but he took her in. And finally, she has someone to stay for.

She never mentioned how important all the things he had done for her was - having to save her twice, still having faith in her when she screwed, giving her a second chance, to find out for her who she actually is.

With all those in consideration, she realised Coulson is someone worth staying for. He is indeed someone worth fighting for if there is anyone who would want to fight for him.

Up until then, she never realised how important Coulson actually is to her.

She raked her fingers through her hair, sighing out loud and then sat up straight, grabbing her leather jacket and phone that she had placed on the table there was by her bedside. She sat on the edge of the bed, putting it on and stood up,her phone in hand, heading towards the door.

"Where are you going, Skye?" She jumped at May's croaky voice.

"Outside," Skye responded as soon as she calmed down, "I just want to sit outside."

When she heard no response, Skye assumed that it was the senior agent's sign of acknowledgement. So, she turned the knob and stepped outside, closing the door behind her.

As she turned around, putting her hands in the pocket of her jacket, the corners of her mouth moved up into a smile at the sight she saw - Coulson.

"This is it," she thought, "this is the moment when I shall thank him. This is the moment when - wait, what?"

Her train of thought came to an abrupt stop. Her heart started beating fast, her knees going weak and her palms started sweating despite the cold night at the sight of Coulson walking slowly, straight for the stairs of the pool - with a gun in hand.

"Coulson?" She called out, but she realised it came out only as a gasp. She watched on, wondering what was ever happening.

With his shoes still on, his suit jacket still completing his whole government official appearance, Coulson slowly stepped on the stairs of the pool and then went straight into it.

"Coulson!" Skye rushed into the water in an instant, throwing her phone into the bushes to save it. The sudden coldness could have frozen her everything but the will to save the man who saved her as she swam straight for her senior agent.

"Coulson!" She gasped for breath, swimming as fast as she could. "Coulson! What are you doing?"

Skye managed herself to stand in the chest-level water, grabbing both her senior agent's shoulders, shaking it, "Hey, hey. AC? Can you hear me?"

But he didn't respond. In fact, he just stared at her blankly, as if he couldn't seem to recognise her, his eyes were expressionless. Skye knows that for a fact, no matter how expressionless or stoic Coulson's face could be, his eyes will always display his emotions - how the muscles around it would tense up when he gets angry, how his eyes would wrinkle when he is glad. But this, she had never seen this before. She couldn't read his face, she couldn't read his eyes, she couldn't seem to see him - as if he wasn't there.

"Coulson," Skye gripped his shoulders tighter and raised a hand up to rest it on his cheek, "Coulson, come back."

Coulson tilted his head, leaning into her wet hand, still seeming as if he was trying to figure out who she was, "...Skye."

Skye heaved a sigh of relief, "Hey. What are you doing?"

"What am I doing?" He stared at her in silence again, processing the question in his mind. Holding up the gun he realised he was holding on to out of the water, he repeated the question again, his eyebrows knitted together, "_What am I doing?_"

"Okay. It's okay." Skye gently removed the gun away from him, turning him around towards the pool stairs, "Let's just get you out of here."

But it was merely after two steps they forwarded when he resisted and shrugged her hand off his shoulder, "No."

"No?"

"No." He replied shortly, firmly and somehow... sadly.

"Why not?"

Coulson kept quiet. Honestly, he didn't know what was he supposed to do. He hadn't been the man he thought he was, now that he knows his memory was replaced, he doubts his own values. How can he say it to her that he wants to give up? To not be their leader anymore? Because they wouldn't like the him he himself could not remember if they ever found out?

"Coulson," He felt a hand holding his in the water, "what's wrong?"

But he still didn't respond.

Coulson felt the hand squeezed his lightly, "Hey, we'll talk. Okay?"

When Skye didn't feel him budge, she started to slowly pull him towards the stairs again, to get them out of the water. They stood on the dry land, water dripping off their soaked clothes but Coulson looked dazed and unbothered by the light wind that was blowing when Skye on the other hand was shivering without him noticing.

"I'll go inside for a while to take a towel for both of us." Skye held on to his hand a gave it a light squeeze again, "I'll be right back, okay? Just hang on."

With Skye out of his sight, he brought up both of his trembling, cold hands, asking the same question to himself again, "What am I doing?"

As he stood, his knees started to grow weaker, the weight of his soaked clothes pulling him down, the coldness seemed so harsh as the wind blow against him. Coulson went back to the pool and sat on the edge of it, taking off his shoes and submerging his feet in it. For once, he couldn't think properly. It was the same dazed feeling again, like the one he got in the Guest House, when Garrett had found him walking about as if he was lost.

Because that was precisely how he felt. Lost, dazed, confused - he felt like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces he could never find. There was so many questions in his head but he didn't know which one to begin with.

Just as he thought he would break down there and then, his palms covering his face as he took a deep breath in trying to calm himself, he felt a thick warm fabric covering his shoulders. Coulson turned around to see Skye wrapped in her own towel, but still in her soaked shirt, jeans and jacket.

"Are you okay?" Skye sat down beside him, taking her own shoes off and then submerging her feet into the water like he did.

But Coulson didn't respond. Instead, he wrapped himself tighter with the towel that blanketed over him.

"What were you doing with the gun, AC?"

He looked up straight away, "Gun?"

"Yes, AC. Gun." Skye held on to his hand, "That didn't have ICER rounds. What were you doing with it?"

Coulson kept silent, staring blankly at her, looking for an answer.

"How about you go inside and change? Get some rest, AC." Skye patted his knee as she was trying to get up.

"No," Skye felt a cold hand holding her back.

"No?"

There was a pause. Skye waited for a reply as she continued to sit beside him, turning her hand around to intertwine their fingers together.

And he gripped her hand tighter as his voice shook, "I made monsters, Skye."

But Skye only looked at him with knitted eyebrows and a tilted head.

"I was in charge of Project TAHITI, Skye."

Coulson had expected her hand to pull away, he had expected a slap on the face, or maybe a punch. But no. Instead, he felt her holding on tighter to him, he felt her closing up the gap between them.

"Are you going to tell me how?" Skye placed a hand over their intertwining fingers.

"How?"

"How were you in charge?"

Coulson looked at her blankly, tears building a dam in his eyes, "You don't hate me?"

"Why would I? You were against Tahiti. But to say you're in charge before, something might have happened to you that you didn't remember or know about it up until now."

Coulson let the tears roll as he blinked. Skye had always seen a way around in trying to understand things and he always thought that sometimes she just wouldn't. But he was wrong.

She does.

Skye does understand things but she does it differently because of how she sees things. She sees the world as a puzzle with all the people coming together to make a big beautiful picture and that sometimes they're not aware that they are doing it. She knows for a fact that sometimes people don't realise that they are doing the things they do.

Coulson was just glad that she understands that. He was glad for a fact that she didn't hit him on the head, being all full-blown angry at him, for being in-charge of something he went against.

He was just afraid she felt cheated.

But no she didn't.

Instead, here she was, sitting beside him, holding on to him to offer him comfort.

In a way, she had saved him.

"What were you doing with the gun, Coulson?" Skye broke the silence again.

"Gun?"

"Gun." She repeated, patiently going through the same one-word repetition conversation, understanding that he was still traumatised from whatever it was that traumatised him. She rested a hand on his cheek, wiping away a tear with her thumb, "What were you doing with the gun, Coulson?"

Coulson let another tear roll, breathing in deeply, "I wanted to shoot myself."

Skye's heart skipped a beat, "Why?"

"I don't know."

"Why did you say you were in charge of Project TAHITI?"

"Because I was."

"Who told you that?"

He paused, "I did."

Skye kept quiet as she felt his hand trembling in hers.

"May found the intel."

"Okay."

"It was me, Skye." His voice broke, "it was me."

"You?"

"They removed my memory, Skye. I don't know the person I was before."

"What do you mean you?"

"Me," He swallowed a choke, "May found a video message for Director Fury. But it was from me."

"What do you mean they removed your memory?"

"It said- It said," Coulson took a deep breath in, "I said, the drugs- the drugs they used on the subject, the ones they used on us, it had side effects, Skye."

"Okay," Skye wiped away another falling tear with her thumb, her hand still resting on his face, "I assume it must be bad, the side effects."

"I said- I said- I said, mental deterioration. Memory replacement to avoid it." Coulson went on a full-fledge breakdown, as his voice broke, tears just flowing freely.

"Shhh. Shhh. It's okay. You're okay, okay?" Skye held back the lump that started to form in her throat, bringing Coulson towards her, wrapping her arms around him as he buried his face into her shoulder.

"I am sorry, Skye." He muffled into her towel, "I am not a good man."

Skye stroked the back of his head, "Hey, hey. Of course you are. You saved me. Not once. Not twice. You saved me three times. You saved me from myself, saved me from being a disloyal person to someone who had appreciated my help. You saved my life before. You saved me again today. Of course you are a good man, Coulson."

"But the drug-,"

"It's okay. Look, I'm fine, am I not? We'll get you inside, okay?" Skye pulled away as she held on to his shoulders, cupped his chin and tilted it up, making them look at each other eye-to-eye, "We'll get you to sleep."

When Skye stood up, he didn't pull her back down again, didn't ask her to sit back down. Skye offered a hand and he reached for it to haul himself up with a little pull from her when he stumbled. He wrapped himself tighter with the towel as they walked side by side.

"Key card?" Skye prompted him when he stood blankly in front of his dorm door.

"Oh."

When the door unlocked, she opened the door for him, letting him inside first. But he stood in the middle of the room, "Coulson?"

"Huh?"

"Change into something dry."

"Oh."

She waited quietly on the armchair as he changed in the washroom, not wanting to wake either Fitz or Tripp. When he got out of it in his track pants and a plain black tee, she guided him to the bed, lying him down on the bed he shared with Fitz and pulling up the blanket to cover him.

"Why are you doing this?" Coulson asked as he held the hand that was pulling up the blanket.

"I needed to make sure you're okay."

"Oh."

"Hmm."

"Skye?"

"Yeah?"

"In the video, I asked for Project TAHITI to be terminated."

"Yeah...?"

"... Does that make me a good man?"

"Of course it does. It made you a better man than them." She smiled as he stroked his hair with her free hand, "No guns on you?"

"Gun?"

"Gun. No?"

He shook his head.

"Good. Rest." Skye rested a hand on his cheek, "Don't do anything stupid okay?"

Coulson nodded.

"I want to see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow." Skye bent down and kissed his forehead, "Okay?"

Coulson nodded again, "Okay."

* * *

**A/N:** And there we go. I'm gonna leave it at that as I wait for today's episode. I hope it was okay! ^^


End file.
